Back in business....

If you can call being on unemployment a business than I'm back in it. I logged into the state labor department website this morning as I have done every day since December twelve when last I received a credit to my account expecting to once again find no activity. But much to my surprise I saw, listed under the "payments" column, every weekly benefit due me for the last seven weeks. Evidently my conversation with the nice lady on Saturday was convincing enough for them to see the error in their ways and to once again add me to the list of beneficiaries. This means a lot to me. February is what I like to call "Triple Witching Month". Not only is my rent due, but another installment on my auto insurance has to be paid before the fourteenth of the month. Also February is the month that AT&T decides to send me a bill for three months worth of long distance service. Add this to the monthly gas, electric, ISP, and health insurance and February becomes a very cold month in more ways than one. On top of all this I believe my severance pay has run out making my unemployment insurance my only source of income.
Which brings me to the topic for today. How long will I want to continue working? Or better yet, how long will I have to continue working? What will my options be?
Although I have been thinking about this for a while the realization that I might have to work well past my sixty fifth birthday hit home ,so to speak, while I was dining at McDonald's this afternoon. I was cutting into the grilled chicken breast sitting on top of my Caesar salad drenched in Paul ( someone who I bet does not have to worry about social security)Newman's ranch dressing. A man who I guessed to be in his early to mid seventies rounded the corner wearing a blue striped shirt with a McDonald's logo embroidered on the pocket. He had a broom and one of those scoops into which he deftly flicked bits burger and fragments of fries from beneath the seats. I began to wonder. Was he there because he wanted to be? Did he need to get out and do something before he went nuts from the lack of interaction with people? Loneliness is a condition that many older people find themselves in as their friends and relatives die, or worse, move to Florida. Or was he sweeping the floors at McDonald's because he had to. Had some unforeseen event caused this affront to dignity to occur. Don't misunderstand me, there is dignity in work no matter what you do and working at Mickey Dee's is not the worst thing. What is undignified is that a seventy year old man has to work at all. What happened? Was there a failure in the social security system or did this guy get himself into some king of monetary bind that he could not get out of? Maybe it was one too many trips to Harrah's. Or maybe he was a victim of some scam that was perpetrated on him by some unscrupulous con artists and lost all sent all his money to Liberia. I wish I was a reporter. I would have told him that I was doing a story on working seniors and would like to know how he found himself in this situation. I wouldn't lie to the guy. But I sure would like to find out why he was there.
If you know a senior citizen who has to work or are one yourself I would like to know more about it. Maybe your story could help others. I know it would certainly help me.
Add a comment to this blog or e-mail me at:

thebeecee@hotmail.com

Unemployment Update

I received a call yesterday, yes on Saturday, from a lady at the NY State Department of Labor. I guess laboring on the weekend is part of the job or maybe she was just behind on her work and was afraid that she might lose her job and be forced to go through the nightmare of signing up for unemployment benefits. In any event I was glad I was home to receive the phone call so that I can shorten the time it takes to get anything done with this agency. My last unemployment deposit was on December 12 and I have been putting in claims to renew my status since December 19. I have been filling out forms and waiting for some action to be taken for over a month. The problem, you may remember all stems from the fact that I "quit" a job after only six days because the job that I was hired to perform was no longer available to me and I was asked to perform a task that I was not qualified for and had no inclination to do. I spent fifteen minutes on the phone with the unemployment lady trying to explain to her why I could not , in her words, "hang in there" for a little while longer. It is very difficult to explain why the very thought of doing a job you hate makes your hair stand on end and the knot in your stomach grow to the size of a soccer ball. All the labor department seems to care about is that you do not have to collect unemployment. They could care less about you finding a job that you would be not only qualified to do but be happy doing it. I understand that not everybody likes the job they have and sometimes circumstances make it necessary to take jobs you don't like because you are up against the wall and the creditors are breathing down your neck and you are wondering where your next box of Captain Crunch is going to come from. But I think the time spent on unemployment should be used to find meaningful work. Work that one feels good about doing and therefore staying on the job, receiving promotions and larger paychecks and thereby being able to spend more money and contribute in a larger way to the general economic good rather than just being employed at a dull nowhere job that you hate to go to every day and probably won't last long at anyway. The few bucks that are doled out to you from unemployment insurance (which , by the way, you paid for and is something that the labor department has for years failed to understand) can be used to take the pressure off while you actually look for that perfect job. You may not find it but at least you tried.
Look. I'm not looking for a handout. I want to work. But I need to work at something meaningful and rewarding. I can only hope that the New York State Department of Labor understands this and re-instates my benefits. I will keep you informed.

comment to: thebeecee@hotmail.com

Never happy...

It's a fact. We humans are never happy. If we are poor we wish we were rich, thinking that wealth will make us happy. Many rich people on the other hand tell us that they are not particularly happy despite their money. We go out and buy a Mercedes and after two weeks we are looking to trade it in for a Lexus. The 42 inch plasma TV we bought for last years Superbowl now seems too small and we are looking to get that 7o incher we saw in the window of PC Richards last week even though we don't have a wall long enough to hang it on. I know, we'll get a bigger house in a better neighborhood. So what if I have to put myself in debt for the rest of my life which probably won't be too long anyway because the portions of trans fat laden food I've been eating lately will do me in long before the final payment on the mortgage is due. Which is ok because by then my widow will have found a better husband because, lets face it, she wasn't too satisfied with me anyway.
This brings us to today's temperature. A glance at the thermometer tells us that it's well below freezing. Are we happy about that. Of course not. A week ago it was 60 degrees outside. Were we happy about that. Of course not. Come on folks. We can't have it both ways. We are going to have to embrace or not embrace global warming. I tend to lean towards the embracing thing. At least here in good old NYC. I can't see any good coming from below freezing temps in the city. New York is a walking town. More people walk here than any other city in the world. When the wind chill factor reaches minus 8 walking becomes difficult if not outright dangerous. If you are homeless it can be deadly. No, cold is not good for the city. But it's great for upstate where the watershed areas are. As long as it snows in the mountains everything will be ok. So all you folks who have chosen to live in the frozen north in places like Yonkers, enjoy the weather. What's that? You're not happy either?

Much ado about nothing....

The nominees for the Oscars were announced yesterday morning and to that I say "so what?". Why do we care who of these over paid, undertalented, enameled tooth periahs wins anything? In fact actually winning one of these gold plated statues means that the recipients will only get more money for their next "performance". And you know who's money it will be. Ours. Why do we want to give these people (and I include not only the actors but directors, producers and all of the other above the line personnel) any of our hard earned bucks. Bucks that these people earn more of in a minute than most of us will make in a year. Sports stars also fit into this category but that's for another time.
"They provide us with entertainment" you say. "So did the gladiators in the coliseum back in ancient Rome" I retort. And I don't believe that the gladiators received any kind of award or for that matter even got paid. Or maybe they did. I can picture it now.....

Toga clad announcer reclining on chaise lounge: "Hi fellow Romans, this is Genus Shallatus reporting from Rome where the "Liggies" ( nickname for award named after Caligula) have just been announced. The Liggy for best use of chains and sword in a human vs lion competition goes to Bradius Pitius. The lion wins the Lifetime Achievement award for the most gladiators devoured in a single day. The Liggy for most sweat produced during a man to man encounter using that flailing thing with the three spiky balls on the end goes to Willius Smithius of Nubia. "Way to go Willius. We'll be looking forward to your next mauling"

How much are we willing to pay to be entertained? Movie tickets go for ten bucks here in New York. And try to get your money back if you didn't like the flick.

"But the movie biz provides jobs for a lot of people".
Yes they do. For people in Canada and Europe. How do I fit in to the trickle down effect here?

They are currently shooting a scene for a new movie in lower Manhattan. The two minute scene will cost thirty million dollars and screw up traffic for a week. The mayor says that the movie biz brings in millions of dollars for New York City. How much of this will I see? The labor department is at this very moment deciding whether to let me have a lousy $405 a week unemployment. Hey movie biz.Got a job for me?

I know these rantings will not dissuade you from spending your money to make these people rich so they can buy thirty million dollar estates in the Hamptons. But the next time you go to the movies please remember that you will never be invited out for the weekend.


BEST NEWS I'VE HEARD TODAY DEPT.

Researchers in Germany (where else?) have discovered that drinking coffee may cure baldness. If that were the case I would have the equivalent of a wooly mammoth growing on my head. Have you seen me lately? I have less hair than an NBA basketball. But I guess there is always hope. In fact I'm going to go and trowel on some of this mornings coffee grounds right now. Waste not, want not.

e-mail me: thebeecee@hotmail.com

all photos (c) 2007 bruce cooper

Nuttin' doin.....

I know it's been a few days since I reported in to you all but there really isn't anything to report. I have been staying indoors mostly as the cold weather is not that conducive for walking around. Actually it's not so much the cold but the wind which can put a damper on outdoor activities. Take Saturday for example. I stayed in all day deciding to go out in the late afternoon so that I may take advantage of some of the mid winter setting sun that usually makes for great lighting effects when taking shots of skylines and bridges. Well the lighting was ok but the cold wind blowing off the East river and down the cobblestone streets of Dumbo was enough to make one take notice. My ungloved hands quickly became numb and I had to take refuge in a nearby Starbucks to warm my nearly frozen digits. As a result I did not take a full compliment of photos. I usually shoot fifty or sixty frames at a time which allows me greater creativity. I barely got twenty shots off before I called it quits. I wasn't going to sacrifice a body part or two for art. Besides Van Gogh already did that and I ain't no Van Gogh. So it was back in the warmth of the Honda and an early Saturday night.

I received an invitation to once again tour the Flushing meadows wildlife conservation area on Sunday but the invite came a little late and I couldn't make it. Just as well since the temperature did not moderate that much and the thought of traipsing around a cold windswept swamp was not as appealing as it would have been in the summer. Go ahead, say it. I'm a wuss.

As Monday approaches I'm still waiting for news about the restoration of my unemployment benefits. Still nada, zip, zero, but it's only been a week since I sent away the forms. I did get another severance check which will keep me going for a bit longer while I decide what to do with the rest of my life. At this point it's like waiting for the other Rebok to drop. I know there is something out there waiting for me to grab when the timing is right. I just don't want to take something out of desperation and be miserable for years to come. Is not that what unemployment insurance is for.

To the editors of Popular Photograhy magazine. Scheduling your "International Shooting-all-the-time day in the middle of winter puts many of us in the colder climes at a distinct disadvantage. How about another one in the spring or summer?

Photo top. "Dumbo" area of Brooklyn. View of Washington and Front streets.

e-mail me : thebeecee@hotmail.com

It's 19 degrees outside....

What does one do when it's the middle of January and it's 19 degrees outside? I like to go to the beach. Yes, the beach. Hey look at it this way. There is no traffic on the Wantaugh parkway. The toll booths are closed so you don't have to pay the eight dollars to park. Despite the free parking, the lots were empty. I parked right next to the beach, which was also empty. The only problem is that it's just a wee bit too chilly to take a dip and you may want to think about stripping down to your shorts, spreading out a blanket and lathering yourself in # 85 sunscreen. But all in all not a bad day. There was a brilliant clear blue sky and the stiff breeze off the water made for some interesting patterns in the sand. The lack of people left a pristine foot print free beach. This is the part of Jones beach that's on the bay side near the Coast Guard station. I've never been to this part of the beach. I'll have to check it out in warmer weather.
After Jones beach I drove down what is known as Ocean Parkway. This is a straight-as -an-arrow stretch of highway that runs along the ocean. The trouble is that you can't see the ocean or the beach from the highway so it's not as picturesque as you might think. California and Florida seem to do a better job with the ocean vista thing. Parts of A1A in Florida and the Pacific Coast Highway in California run right up to the beach. We seem to hoard the beaches on Long Island. You either have to be a town resident or pay through your nose to even get near a beach. Only New York City beaches like Coney Island or the Rockaway's are open to everyone and are accessible by public transportation. Just another reason to live in NYC.
I was going to go out to my favorite place on L.I. The Fire Island lighthouse, but the wind was picking up and it appeared the temperature was dropping. I opted for a little less chilly location. Captree state park just across the inlet from Robert Moses State Park offers an interesting view of the sun and surf. The parking lot, usually crowded with the cars of fishermen who spend the day on one of the many party boats that line the dock, was free of vehicles. I parked and walked along the quay where freshly painted boats lay gently bobbing up and down in anticipation of warmer days when their decks would be crowded with anglers hoping to get their limit of Fluke or Flounder or whatever they catch off these boats. It appeared that none of the boats were operating this time of year. Long Island fisherman may not be as hardy as their forbearers who would have gone out in any weather. Maybe it's not the fish they are really interested in when they go out on these things. I used to be an avid fisherman. My brother and my uncle Harry used to own a boat together. Some of the best times I ever had was when the three of us would get out on the water early on a summers morning and bob up and down on the sometimes choppy waters of Great South Bay. We always came back with fish. We never caught more than we could use and we always ate all we caught. We were environmentalists way before it was fashionable. I'll never be able to recreate those days. Both my brother and my uncle Harry are gone and the chances of me ever having a kid are zero, but the memory of those halcyon days will stay with me forever.
Another cold day is forecast for today. It may be a good day to stay inside and catch up on some indoor stuff I've been putting off. I still have to move the car and I do have that leftover LIRR ticket in my pocket. I'll think about it. It's nice to be a free sole.

The Form Letter.....

I just hate getting official letters. They never bring good news. The letter I received yesterday from the state labor department was no exception. After not receiving a deposit to my unemployment account since December 12 due to a lapse of judgment on my part, the labor department sent me a form to fill out asking why I quit the job I had after only 7 days. If I get the gist of this form, the answers I give will determine whether or not I will continue to receive unemployment benefits. Evidently they do not like it when you actually get a job and find it impossible to work at that job and quit. The folks in Albany would rather you stick it out no matter how intolerable the work is, or better yet, not take the job at all which is what I should have done in the first place. Believe me, I have learned my lesson. In the future I will never take a job until my benefits run completely out. Thanks NY State Labor department. Great incentive to get people to look for work.
Anyway I filled out the form to the best of my ability giving the answers that will hopefully restore my payments. They say it will take at least 3 weeks to straighten this out. Meanwhile they want me to continue to qualify for benefits as I have been doing for over a month. Will they give me "back pay" if they decide in my favor? Thank god I have some cash to fall back on. What If I were living from paycheck to paycheck?. Come on New York. Speed up this process. After all you were very quick to take this money out of my paycheck every week for thirteen years. It wouldn't hurt to give it up a little faster.

My plant, my friend....

Another weekend is upon me. I used to look forward to the weekends. When you work the lousy two days off you get seem very precious. But when you are out of work every day is a weekend and Saturday and Sunday seem only to be days intruded on by the working class.
The last few days have been very quiet. The weather is beginning to get cold which makes getting out and walking around less comfortable. I don't mind the cold, but holding a camera steady with frozen fingers makes you think twice about taking pictures. However the urge to make art is very strong so I decided to experiment with some indoor shots. Hence the photos above.
The very photogenic (at least he thinks so) aloe plant pictured here has been living on the window sill of my bathroom for over fifteen years. He seems to like it. In fact he likes it so much that I find it necessary to thin him out every few months. I don't know how much he likes this but what remains after pruning gets bigger and taller so I guess it's ok. Not much feedback from the plant, which is probably a good thing. I can't imagine what he would say to me if indeed he could talk. I know he would make comments about my weight after seeing me naked for all these years, not to mention my increased nocturnal visits to the john due to my advancing years and all the joys that come with it. It appears that my prostate has grown along with the plant. A fact I am sure not missed by the plant.
I actually keep the plant for a couple of reasons. First of all it's the only other living thing that shares my apartment, if you don't count the occasional roach which I catch in the kitchen at 3 AM. I don't usually kill roaches. They seem just to be only passing thru to another location. In fact I can't remember ever seeing the same cockroach twice. The other reason I keep the plant is that it is the best piece of first aid equipment you can have. The "juice" from the aloe has remarkable healing properties. If you ever get a burn or a cut just cut off a bit of the leaf and squeeze the sticky liquid directly on the wound. There is an immediate anesthetic effect and a faster healing time. You can buy aloe based first aid creams but they do not work as well as 100% of the real thing.
I haven't gone so far as to give the plant a name. Naming it would be an affront to its dignity. Plants should be left alone to just be plants. But if I did name it I guess I would call it Al. Al...aloe...get it?

comments (from plants, roaches or humans) thebeecee@hotmail.com

Doing nothing and other money saving activities...

You might have noticed that I have been cutting the blogs down from daily to every other day or so. This has been done not because I am lazy but because I really have nothing to report. In fact my life has become quite boring due to the restrictions that I have placed on myself. I am trying to cut back on my spending. Not that I was spending a great deal in the past but every little bit helps. My severance pay will be running out shortly. I think I have one more check due to me. It also appears that my unemployment payments are stalled somewhere in bureaucratic limbo and have not received a credit to my account in almost three weeks. I will shortly have to start dipping into my savings to pay for things that I cannot control such as rent, utilities, insurance etc. So the best thing I can do for now is to try to cut back on things that I do have control over. It's not rocket science. If you don't leave the house, you don't spend money. You don't spend money on gas or lunch (even if it is only at Wendy's or the Blue Bay diner) and the urge to stop into a store and buy a new shirt or pair of shoes or for that matter any "impulse" purchase is a non issue when you don't actually go near a store. I figure I can save fifty dollars a week on what I like to call the "Stay At Home Budget". Of course I might go insane doing this on a long term basis. Only time will tell.

I have not become a total hermit as of yet, so yesterday I decided to get my but off the sofa and travel into the city to do the two things that do not cost anything and bring me a great deal of enjoyment. Walking and taking pictures. I walked over to the Long Island Railroad station in Forest Hills and waited for the 9:48 train to Penn station. The off peak one way fare is $2.25 more than the subway but the ride takes only about 15 minutes and is much more comfortable than the hit and miss "F" train. And the best thing about taking the LIRR is that sometimes the conductors do not actually take the tickets as was the case yesterday. This means that I can use this un-punched ticket for a "free" trip in either direction anytime within the next 120 days. Not a bad deal. I'll have to see if this is usual for Tuesday mornings. I might have stumbled on to something here.

I walked through the labyrinth that is Penn station on my way to the street. It's amazing how many people take the train instead of flying. The waiting area was packed. There was an Acela(high speed) train leaving for Boston. Tickets and baggage were inspected (although not as closely as the airlines do) and people were lined up just like at the airport. What ever happened to the romance that was train travel? Gone are the steamy platforms with gleaming sleeper cars and crisp uniformed porters waiting to greet their well dressed passengers. Now it's more like a bus on rails with passengers more interested in getting there than how you get there. I hate to think what long distance bus travel is like. Just the thought of visiting the Port Authority Bus Terminal gives me the creeps.

I took the escalator to street level and walked over to Grand Central station on the east side. Grand Central has been reduced to a commuter terminal handling mostly travelers from upstate NY and Connecticut on what used to be the old New York Central and New Haven Railroad lines. Grand Central always makes me think of commuting advertising executives coming into the city from their homes in Darian and Briarcliff Manor to have three martini lunches and close that big deal with a perspective client at the 21 club. Very 1950's. Today there is hardly a grey flannel suite to be seen. There are mostly just harried working class folks trying to figure out how they are going to pay for their $300 a month commuting ticket so they can go to work to pay for their $300 a month commuting ticket. I walked on to the Roosevelt Island tram. The best $2 ride in the city. More on this at another time. From Roosevelt Island I took the subway home. It's a free transfer from the tram. So my whole day cost me $4.25 or $2 if you consider that they actually did not collect the LIRR ticket. Not bad.

I have to get in the car today and see if I can get a spot on the other side of the street so I don't have to get up early to move my car on Thursday. So many things to think about when you're out of work.

photos: Top. Only known photo of reclusive author of this blog.
Middle. LIRR ticket machine from which "free" ticket was purchased.

e-mail: thebeecee@hotmail.com

Poached eggs and other random thoughts...

I was just thinking. Why don't more people eat poached eggs? After all they may be the best way to eat eggs. Think about it. They are easy to make. And because they do not come into direct contact with the heat you can't burn them like you can with fried or scrambled eggs. You're just boiling them for Pete's sake. Oh sure, you can over cook them. So what. The worst thing that could happen is that you have hard boiled eggs. Still edible. You don't use any butter, oil or grease when you make them thereby cutting back on the fats and cholesterol. Too runny you say? No problem. Once you get used to the cooking time you can adjust the runnyness to your exact taste. Like a little side dish with your eggs? Poached eggs go good with everything. Bacon (see photo above. I like to use turkey bacon) a slice of ham between the eggs and the bread, or sausage on the side. If you're creative you can even top the eggs with various ingredients. Hollandaise sauce is the preferred topping but is very tricky to do. I like to use the poor mans version. Cheese Wiz. Melt in microwave for a few seconds and walla!, hollandaise. Yes, poached eggs are the perfect breakfast. I will devote my remaining years to the promotion of this dish to the status of the "America's Breakfast". Just a thought.


Another thing I was thinking about this weekend. All of the bowl games this past week had corporate sponsors. The taco sauce Fiesta Bowl. The Allergy suppressant Rose Bowl ect. By accepting corporate sponsorship and subsequent advertising the organizers of these events help to defray some of the tremendous cost. So why not use this system to defray the expense of some of the other life altering events. Take burials for instance. Tasteful advertising messages could be chiseled into the tomestones next to the usual personal and religious etching's.

The Burial of

IRVING FEINBAUM

is brought to you by

TOYOTA

If Irving were alive today

he would still be driving his

CAMRY

MAY HE REST IN PEACE

Just a thought.

Also this weekend. Have you noticed that practically nobody obeys the hands free cell phone while driving law. On practically every occasion I had to glance into my rear view mirror I noticed that the diver behind me was holding a cell phone to his or her ear with one hand while holding the steering wheel with the other. Some drivers are very blatant about it. They figure no one will notice. Other drivers know they are breaking the law and try to hide the fact that they are on the phone by pretending to fix their hair or scratch an imaginary itch or even slinking down in their seats so as not to be detected by a roving police car. Come on folks. If you are one of those people that just cannot be out of touch for even a few minutes buy a headset. They're cheap, easy to use and you might enjoy not breaking the law.

And finally. It was 72 degrees in NYC this Saturday. People were out and about in shorts and tee shirts. Even some trees were starting to bud. Tell me again why global warming is a bad thing.

comments to: thebeecee@hotmail.com

Identity crisis...

I have been feeling a little girlie lately. I don't mean that I'm ready for the "operation" it's just that with all this free time I've been doing a lot of domestic activities. These have included going to the supermarket on a weekday afternoon....with the girls. Going to the mall...with the girls. Doing laundry on Monday morning, again surrounded by women. So before I start going to Loehmans to look for bargains I decided that I needed an injection of macho, stat. I could have gone to a strip club an looked at naked women, but this does not make one feel like a man, well maybe a sleazy man, but generally it does not reinforce the testosterone. And besides it cost big bucks just to see a couple of breasts bounce up and down. As much as fifty dollars each according to my calculations. Probably not something I would want to show up on my state unemployment debit card statement. What I needed was to be with other guys, doing guy stuff. This is not as easy as it sounds. With the empowering of
women and opening up all manner of activities that used to be thought of as mostly male the places for a guy to go to feel, well, like a guy is dwindling. But there still is one bastion of masculinity that has not been totally taken over by those who would like to put dust ruffles on anything that moves. And that place is the tool department of Sears. Yes, Sears still has a tool department. You may have to look for it. You might have to fight your way past the bra department and infants wear section, but back there, usually near the refrigerators and riding lawn mowers (very macho by the way) you will find the Craftmen's hammers, socket wrenches and the most macho tool of all,the radial arm saw. Just the name, radial arm saw, conjures up images of sweaty men on construction sites cutting in to stuff.
I drove out to my nearest Sears store on route 107 in Hicksville, LI. The parking lot was mostly empty on this rainy Friday morning. As I entered I found myself in the little girls department surrounded by frilly dresses and training bras. There were moms arguing with their daughters about skirt lengths. I could feel my testicles shrinking. I needed tools. I desperately searched the aisles for a sign that would direct me to what I sought. "HARDWARE AND APPLIANCES" with an arrow pointing to the basement said the sign over a stairwell. Good, I thought, not even on the same floor as the lingerie and costume jewelry. The basement. No women would ever venture into the basement of Sears. My "costume jewelry" was beginning to return to normal size. I could feel my beard growing and my posture was starting to take on a caveman like stance. I knew that any minute now I would be scratching my crotch and grunting. I headed down the stairs, my loins tingling with anticipation. As I approached the bottom landing I began to smell that undeniable scent of tools. It's a sort of metallic oily odor that only new tools have. A sea of red painted tool boxes was spread out before me. I wandered mindlessly up and down the aisles gently running my hands over orbital sanders and impact wrenches. I fingered the triggers of cordless electric drills and gently fondled each curve of a bright yellow DeWalt reciprocating saw. Thoughts of laundry and ironing left my mind as I bathed in glow of socket wrenches, screwdrivers and vice grip pliers. But wait. What was that I smelled amongst the sent of WD40 and sweeping compound? I know that smell. It was the same smell that I have smelled on every visit to the supermarket. Perfume. THERE WAS A WOMEN IN THE SEARS TOOL DEPARTMENT. My heart sank. There, at the end of the aisle was a girl. Or should I say women. OK, young women. She was wearing a long skirt and some kind of frilly shirt. She didn't even look like one of those, you know, she-men. She held in her hand a extra long Phillips head screwdriver. She inspected the seven inch shaft and caressed the extra thick sturdy lucite grip. My legs felt wobbly. The room began to swim. I had come face to face with what I had feared most. The decline of civilization as I have known it. Just like the polar bears in the arctic my macho world was shrinking and icebergs were melting away. There would soon be nowhere for us guys to go to be guys. It was obvious that Sears would not take a stand. I saw no flustered manager escorting the "intruder" out of the area. There were no security people there to admonish the women for venturing into what was once an area OFF LIMITS to those of the feminine persuation. And like the men on the deck of the Titanic I began to hear strains of "Nearer my God To Thee" as the tool department gently slipped beneath the waves of equality. There would be no Carpathia to rescue me.
I don't know if the young lady actually bought the screwdriver.On one hand I like to think she was getting it for the man in her life, while knowing full well that "they" no longer need men in their lives. I got back in my car and went home to do some house cleaning. I would have to look for other ways to regain my manhood. Maybe I'll start a magazine featuring only articles on guy stuff. I'll call it "GUY STUFF".That should keep the women out. Sure. That's the ticket.

comment?. e-mail me: thebeecee@hotmail.com

Barnstorming....

The unusually mild temperatures and the fact that I have a raging case of cabin fever prompted me to get in the car and head for somewhere. Anywhere. The shopping mall was not an option. My unemployment insurance, for which I had to re-apply, has not kicked in yet, if it ever does. The combination of the Christmas and New Year holidays and the death of President Ford has really screwed up the mail. This is a good thing for those who are late paying bills or the rent. It's kind of like a government reprieve. But it's not so good for those of us who are expecting an unemployment payment. Thank heavens I'm not destitute. However it never hurts to be frugal when one's income is limited to a severance check which will soon come to an end. So any unnecessary shopping has to be put on hold. The Idea is to look for stuff to do that does not cost money, or at least not too much money.
What to do? For a couple of swipes of a metro card you can walk the streets of the most interesting city in the world and do a little window shopping and people watching. But I have done a lot of that recently and besides I really don't like the city during the week. Too many people with jobs. It makes me nervous. Better to go someplace quiet.
There is no place quieter than the area just north of New York City in Orange county. Yes, New York has an O.C. This O.C. however does not have nubile bikini clad teens romping in and out of bed with blond hunky guys, well not in the winter anyway. What it does have is farms. Lots of farms. It also seems to have an abundance of old derelict barns. It is a place of unlimited photographic possibilities. I decided to take advantage of them. It was a great way to kill the day. So for the price of a half a tank of gas, about $15, and the cost of lunch at Wendy's, about $6, I had a peaceful day doing what I liked. How many of you can say that about your day yesterday?
It looks like another pretty day shaping up out there. I think I'll take a little walk around the nabe. I have been behind on my walking exercise.

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Shoppy New Year...

Every New Years day I like to get in the car and drive around and check out the stores that are open. Unlike Christmas day when practically everything is closed, even Mc Donalds, January 1st is a veritable shopping paradise. Those of us who fought the temptation to "pardy hardy" the night before and get to bed at a reasonable hour reap the benefits of traffic free highways, empty parking lots and even emptier stores. The trick is to find what's open and what's not.

This New Years day presented the usual compliment of openings and closings. The usual places where open. The gas stations were pumping liquid gold into the tanks of the few stragglers still on their way home from a night of debauchery and inhibition. The Shop and Stop supermarket was open for anyone interested in stopping and shopping. The Rite-Aid drugstore was standing by to administer just the right aid for those seeking hangover cures in the form of over the counter medication or a behind the counter cure for performance difficulties in the form of Viagra. The Pep Boys were peppier than might be expected on a holiday with all of their service bays busy. And all of the diners along Jericho Turnpike were dishing out the usual cheeseburger deluxe's, BLT deluxe's, Monte Christo deluxe's. All served with French fries. Evidently New Years day is not a holiday in Greece.
I found myself on route 110 in Huntington, a section of roadway lined with shopping malls. While the major department stores like Macy's and Sears were closed, upstart stores like Kohls were open for business. The glass doors shown like a beacon as the bright lights cut through the gloom of the dark rainy morning. Ghostlike fingers of empty parking spots right in front of the entrance beckoned me to pull in and park for a while. "You don't have to buy anything, they taunted, just park. I could not resist. I sat motionless in the car. WQXR was playing something from a Wagnerian Opera. As the soprano built to a crescendo so did my lack of willpower. Resistance was futile. I went in. The store, like the parking lot,was empty. The counters and shelves were brimming with merchandise. Large signs proclaimed savings of sixty to seventy percent off. The fitting rooms were unoccupied and there was no line at the checkout counter. I had found nirvana. This is what it must feel like to be one of those celebrities or heads of state who have them shut down the whole store just so they can shop hassle free. A luxury evidently not afforded to Britney Spears when she was last in need of underwear. I bought a pair of pants, twenty bucks down from forty seven, and a twenty seven dollar shirt reduced to seventeen. If I wasn't out of work and could actually afford to buy stuff I would have walked out with a lot more.
So here is my advice. Next year forget about the usual holiday shopping mayhem. Wait for New Years day to buy your gifts. Make up a story to tell your friends as to why you are late with their presents. I like the "arrested and released for passing bad checks" excuse myself. If they are really your friends, they'll understand.